"There are people who like to be alone
without feeling lonely at all."
-- Toby Beta, Master of Stupidity
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| Self portrait 2-16-14 |
"I wondered why it was that places are so much lovelier when one is alone."
-- Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca
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| Self portrait (2) 2-16-14 |
"There is no doubt that solitude is a challenge
and to maintain balance within it a precarious business.
But I must not forget that, for me, being with people
or even with one beloved person
for any length of time without solitude
is even worse.
I lose my center.
I feel dispersed, scattered, in pieces."
-- May Sarton, Journal of Solitude
I'm one of those people who requires large doses of solitude.
I crave it.
I'm quite content in my own company, thankyouverymuch.
In fact, I have to force myself to seek the company of others.
The people who live in my house are not in the house much of the time, which leaves me alone much of the time. If people didn't actually live in my house, I'd probably be alone almost all of the time.
And that's perfectly OK with me.
I'm just not relationship-y. Cultivating friendships is work. I don't actively seek companionship or personal attachments. Making a phone call, writing an e-mail, meeting for lunch, or even just a cup of coffee feels like a "have to," not a "want to."
It's not them, it's me.
Sometimes I criticize myself for this seeming deficiency in my own personality. Why does "together" look so easy for other people? How do they do it? Why can't I? Am I that fucked up?
I wonder if I'm just extremely selfish. I wonder if my "I like solitude" line is just a cover for "I'm really just a self-absorbed bitch."
And then I have a day like yesterday. Nobody else was home. It was just me. All day.
- I exercised with my music turned up loud.
- I took a long shower.
- I combed my hair a bunch of different ways -- slicked, spiked, smooth, tousled -- and then seriously contemplated buzzing it all off.
- I washed my sheets and re-made my bed.
- I baked a blueberry cobbler.
- While the cobbler baked, I ate lunch in pure silence.
- I cleaned out a cupboard.
- I watched some recorded episodes of my favorite TV shows that I'd stockpiled for just such a day.
- I painted a painting and then threw it away.
- I took pictures of myself, with myself.
- I cooked supper.
And I wasn't bored. I wasn't lonely. I just ... was.
It was a good day.
Around 7:30, when everyone finally rolled back home, I wondered where the day had flown.
