"Self-love, my liege,
is not so vile a sin,
as self neglecting."
-- William Shakespeare, Henry V
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| Coffee for one, 2-14-14 |
"Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it.
Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it."
-- Thaddeus Golas
"You yourself,
as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection."
-- Buddha
On Valentine's Day a year ago I was a hot mess. I definitely wasn't feeling the love. At all.
It was more like I was feeling the loathe.
And nothing greases the wheels of good old self-loathing like a day that revolves around romance and happiness and giddiness and L-O-V-E. When you're in that loathing state of mind, somehow rubbing salt in the wound feels good. It's fucked, I know, but when you're in the midst of it you can't help it. You just grind it in there, the coarser the better.
We all know that today's the day when we're supposed to tell our loved ones that we love them. So don't fuck it up.
But let me just put in a "One Good Thing" plug for someone who who is really hoping to get a Valentine from you today.
You.
When it comes to love, I'm not the super affectionate, romantic, gushy, demonstrative type. Ask my family. They'll back me up a hundred percent on this one. I can do it. But it doesn't come naturally or easily for me. I have to try. I have to work at it. I have to focus, hard.
But as much as I have to work at giving other people my love and affection, giving it to myself is an even taller order.
I'm getting better. But it takes practice.
I don't know what you loving you looks like. As for me loving me, the short list looks something like this:
Take my pills.
Protect my sleep.
Exercise.
Talk to my counselor.
Be honest with myself.
Do my art.
Drink decaf.
Feel my feelings.
Don't beat myself up.
Read.
Cook.
Get massages.
Look for the good.
In my experience, there's no lonelier feeling than self-abandonment. While I was hating myself, even though other people were loving me, their love couldn't register. I couldn't feel their love, or receive their love, because I was hiding behind a pretty thick, self-made force field that made me immune to their love, so it just kind of ricocheted off, bounced back and whacked them smack in the heart, which hurt them. I didn't mean to hurt them, or want to hurt them. I just couldn't help it.
But today I can.
It has taken a long time, and it has been excruciatingly hard and sometimes it just plain fucking sucked. Sometimes I still can't believe I made it and in a million years I never thought I'd say this but here goes ...
Gulp.
I love me.
XOXOXO
