"I have sometimes worn a baseball cap, a beard,
spectacles and a wig not to be noticed."
-- Sachin Tendulkar
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| Self portrait 5-6-14 |
When I was six or seven, I wanted a baseball cap.
Real bad.
But I was afraid to ask for one. I was afraid my family would tease me for being like a boy.
I wanted a baseball cap so badly that I stole a faded canvas fishing hat of my dad's from the garage. I folded one half of its floppy brim up inside the hat, then wrapped the other half in a whole roll of black electrical tape to fashion it into a sort-of bill.
I kept my homemade ball cap hidden. I only wore it once that I can clearly remember, riding on the "whirly-bird" with my friend Susie. I quit wearing it after that and hid it in the garage so I could look at it sometimes -- press it down onto my head when no one else could see me.
Pathetic, I know. But it was the best I could do.
Why was my child self so fucking afraid to ask for this small and simple thing?
As one of four sisters living in a houseful of girls, I had already become deeply frightened of judgment and criticism. I was particularly wary of my dad's. And it was hard to escape my appearances-focused grandma's recurring refrain of "Do The Other Girls Wear (insert clothing item here)?"
There you go, psychologists. Have a field day.
I have my very own baseball cap now. A real one. Blue. Fitted. With my favorite team's logo on the front.
I don't wear it to look cutesy, or slutty, or to hold back a pony tail, or because I'm playing actual baseball or softball, or for whatever reasons other girls wear ball caps.
I wear it because my snug little ball cap feels protective and comforting on my head. It makes me feel not afraid. It makes me think of frightened little me whenever I put it on.
I wore it yesterday to work in my garden. It kept the sun out of my eyes.
Sometimes I wear it indoors, where there isn't any sun.
I put it on during Indians games -- at the stadium and in front of my TV. I turn it inside out and make a rally cap when game situations call for it.
I wear it when I want, where I want.
Guess what?
No one notices.
