"The shared meal is no small thing.
It is a foundation of family life ..."
-- Michael Pollan,
Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation
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| Asian Lady Beetles devouring an apple 10-15-14 |
"If we want our kids to lead healthier lives,
we should eat with them more often."
-- Miriam Weinstein,
The Surprising Power of Family Meals
When my kids were really small someone dragged me to a "rah-rah ain't it great to be a mom" party-ish kind of thing at the posh house of a very well-to-do wife of a local physician.
To protect her identity, I'll call her "Posh."
Posh was the featured speaker. It was her house, her party, and so I guess she also booked the talent.
Her "message," as she called it, was about family meals and how important they are to family happiness and closeness.
The friend who dragged me there leaned in and whispered, "Where? On Mars?"
She got it. Because she was still in the trenches, with me.
Posh hadn't smelled the trenches in years. None of her three Abercrombie-model-attractive sons even lived at home anymore.
Her mealtime stories were gilded and golden.
Her mealtime stories were gilded and golden.
As Posh "shared" her rose-colored, Currier & Ives family meal memories there in the Architectural Digest perfection of her palatial home, the women fell under her spell and gazed up at her winsomely, eyes glassy, faces worshipful.
Some made little sounds of agreement.
Some took notes, writing down her every word.
I just wanted to throat punch her.
Family meals at my house were not wonderful. I had a toddler and an infant. Family meals at my house were exasperating and messy and tragic. My dinner table was a war zone.
And it didn't stop at toddlerhood.
There have been nights when I've invested time and love and ingredients on a beautiful, healthy, balanced, delicious meal and:
But I've stuck with it. I've stayed in the trenches and kept cooking and serving family meals. And eventually, somewhere along the line, the tide turned.
Meals became less of a battleground.
I've adapted and learned how and what to cook so that everyone can find something on the table that they like.
My boys' palates have matured and expanded so that they both enjoy a wider range of foods.
My boys have also matured, and they're much more appreciative of my culinary efforts. They're also smart and funny and family meals can get pretty lively and interesting.
I'm on medication.
If I had a bunch of moms over to my house to "share" a "message" about family meals, I wouldn't blow sunshine up their asses. I'd tell them this:
Sometimes eating together will suck balls so hard you'll hate it. Sometimes it will just be food on plates, and eating. Sometimes it will be hilarious. Sometimes it will be interesting. Sometimes it will be delicious. Sometimes it will be "different." Sometimes it will be takeout. Sometimes you'll work really hard to cook something special and nobody will notice. And sometimes you'll pull a meal of leftovers straight out of your ass and they'll make you feel like you just won the James Beard award.
Meals with your family will never be perfect, and if Currier & Ives is what you're looking for, be ready for a lifetime of disappointment.
Don't try to manufacture or engineer something according to someone else's posh vision of what your family's meal should be like. Just cook the meal as best you can. Feed the people who show up around your table with care and attention.
If you're lucky, the good will outweigh the bad, the hilarious will outweigh the awkward.
Once in a while, wonderful might even happen.
Whatever you do, just let it happen.
In the end, what you eat doesn't matter nearly as much as who you eat it with.
Just make sure that love is the flavor that lingers when the meal is done, because love always tastes good.
Family meals at my house were not wonderful. I had a toddler and an infant. Family meals at my house were exasperating and messy and tragic. My dinner table was a war zone.
And it didn't stop at toddlerhood.
There have been nights when I've invested time and love and ingredients on a beautiful, healthy, balanced, delicious meal and:
- Child refuses to eat it because he is a vegetarian now.
- Child complains that there is not enough meat on the table.
- Child refuses to eat because he is off carbs this month.
- Child is back on carbs, and why aren't there potatoes?
- Child comes home sucking up the dregs of a cherry limeade saying he's not hungry, he already ate at Sonic.
- Child refuses to eat because he wants to get a pizza later.
- Child doesn't like the food and instead of saying so, picks at it and picks at it and picks at it until I finally snap and bark at him to go get himself a fucking bowl of Cheerios then!
- I get adventurous and try something new, and everybody looks at it like I've ladled my own vomit onto their plates, because it's "different."
- I'm a shit show because my depression and anxiety are off the charts and nobody knows what to do or say, so we just stare awkwardly into our plates and don't say anything.
But I've stuck with it. I've stayed in the trenches and kept cooking and serving family meals. And eventually, somewhere along the line, the tide turned.
Meals became less of a battleground.
I've adapted and learned how and what to cook so that everyone can find something on the table that they like.
My boys' palates have matured and expanded so that they both enjoy a wider range of foods.
My boys have also matured, and they're much more appreciative of my culinary efforts. They're also smart and funny and family meals can get pretty lively and interesting.
I'm on medication.
If I had a bunch of moms over to my house to "share" a "message" about family meals, I wouldn't blow sunshine up their asses. I'd tell them this:
Sometimes eating together will suck balls so hard you'll hate it. Sometimes it will just be food on plates, and eating. Sometimes it will be hilarious. Sometimes it will be interesting. Sometimes it will be delicious. Sometimes it will be "different." Sometimes it will be takeout. Sometimes you'll work really hard to cook something special and nobody will notice. And sometimes you'll pull a meal of leftovers straight out of your ass and they'll make you feel like you just won the James Beard award.
Meals with your family will never be perfect, and if Currier & Ives is what you're looking for, be ready for a lifetime of disappointment.
Don't try to manufacture or engineer something according to someone else's posh vision of what your family's meal should be like. Just cook the meal as best you can. Feed the people who show up around your table with care and attention.
If you're lucky, the good will outweigh the bad, the hilarious will outweigh the awkward.
Once in a while, wonderful might even happen.
Whatever you do, just let it happen.
In the end, what you eat doesn't matter nearly as much as who you eat it with.
Just make sure that love is the flavor that lingers when the meal is done, because love always tastes good.
