A Table For Two

"A wedding anniversary is the celebration of 

love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity.

The order varies for any given year."

-- Paul Sweeney

Doll house miniatures 12-6-14

"A long marriage is two people

trying to dance a duet and two solos

at the same time."

-- Anne Taylor Fleming

"Love one another and you will be happy.

It's as simple and as difficult as that."

-- Michael Leunig

Yesterday, Big Daddy and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary.

We went out for a nice little dinner at a nice little restaurant, enjoyed good food, good wine, and each other at a nice little table for two.

I had the sea bass. He had the scallops.

He drank white. I drank red. We raised our glasses to the last 22 years, and to the next 22.

There is no traditional gift for the 22nd anniversary, so I bought him booze and candy, and he bought me baseball tickets.

Every year on my grandparents' anniversary my Grandma would always say, "That's a long time to look at the same face!"

She was right.

Fortunately, I married someone with a very handsome face.

Sam Is Home!

"You have my whole heart. You always did.

You're the best guy. You always were."

-- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Queen and Jack of Hearts 11-27-14

"Catelyn wanted to run to him,
to kiss his sweet brow,

to wrap him in her arms so tightly
that he would never come to harm ..."

-- George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

My oldest son, Sam, is home for Thanksgiving. He got here yesterday.

He's a busy guy. He hasn't been home since returning to college in August, and I was really starting to miss him. 

We're having a very quiet, very small Thanksgiving Day at home. 

No travels. No company. No biggie.

It's what Sam requested. He has been working very hard at his grueling and relentless academic load and needs a chance to chill out and catch his breath before he goes back for the final stretch of the semester and exams.

So last night I cut his hair. He made a pumpkin pie. We went to a couple of stores for a couple of things. I bought him a tire gauge. We ordered pizza. We watched crappy television. Right now he's upstairs, sleeping in.

He's only here for a couple of days, but I'll take what I can get and try to give him what he needs and not bother him with what he doesn't. 

Having my whole little family home under one roof is what I'm most thankful for. My house is full, and so is my heart.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Differences

"We were very different, 

and we disagreed about a lot of things,

but he was always so interesting, you know?"

-- John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

Donkey teeth and Werewolf teeth 11-3-14

"At the end of the day, that's what a family is --

a group of different people who accept each other."

-- Sara Sheridan

"You're some freaky shit, my brother.

You really are."

-- J.R. Ward, Lover Eternal

Yesterday was one of those days where it was really hard coming up for a "good thing." Not because there weren't any, but because there were so many that it was truly difficult to choose.

We drove down to Sam's college for a visit and to take him out to lunch. It was our first trip of the semester, and we still hadn't seen his new college apartment.

The drive down was good. It was a gilded, brilliant, sun-kissed autumn day. Absolutely gorgeous.

Seeing Sam was good. I miss that boy, and I needed to see him with my actual eyes and hug him with my actual arms.

Seeing Sam's apartment was good. We'd seen pictures, of course, but it was so nice to see him in the actual environment where he lives. It was reassuring and comforting to see him in his tidy, efficient little place. 

Lunch was good. We went to Sam's favorite Middle Eastern restaurant and had hummus and pita and kafta and falafel and dawali.

But I think the goodest good thing of the day was watching my two sons together. They are as different as can be, and if you didn't know they were brothers, you would never guess they were brothers.

Of course they've been through their moments and years of disagreement and bickering. But not anymore.

They've each grown into delightful, fine young men who clearly love and respect and -- gasp -- like one another. 

It did my soul a great good to see my sons enjoying one other's conversation and company and jokes -- each genuinely interested in what the other was up to. 

Stretched out on Sam's little couch, Leo was clearly proud of his brother's independent college life and impressed by how well he's navigating rigorous academic challenges.

Asking all the right questions and listening patiently to Leo's answers, Sam was clearly proud of his brother's athletic and academic achievements as well.

They compared notes about the physics courses they're both taking. 

They laughed a lot.

Leo took pictures of Sam's apartment and tackled him on his little studio bed.

They hugged goodbye for a really long time.

Riding in the back seat on the drive home, I let all the goodness of the day tumble around in my heart like Bingo balls in a cage. And the strong feeling that kept rising to the top was one of gratitude that, despite their vast differences, my sons have one another to lean on, to believe in, to hold onto and to love.

And if that ain't good, then I don't know what is.

Small Things Done With Love

"Not all of us can do great things.

But we can do small things with great love."

-- Mother Teresa

Wire hangers 10-20-14

"If I give all I possess to the poor 

and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, 

but do not have love, I gain nothing."

-- 1 Corinthians 13:3

When it's all said and done, my life probably won't leave much of a mark on the world.

In the grand scheme of humanity, I am a pretty damned small, insignificant potato.

When I see the Mother-Teresa-sized greatness of what some people do to inspire hope or elicit change or otherwise help the neediest needy among us, I feel very small indeed.

I'm not a humanitarian or a visionary or a hero.

The stuff I do isn't world-scale stuff.

This weekend, for example. Nothing I did was a very big deal. At all.

Here's a rundown:

I yelled and cheered like a damn fool when Leo busted through the line and sacked the shit out of the the opposing quarterback Friday night.

Big deal.

I ironed all my guys' dress shirts.

Big deal.

I made pancakes and sausage for Sunday breakfast.

Big deal.

I cooked my husband a big homemade steak-pineapple-basil pizza with no sauce, just how he likes it. It was all his. He didn't have to share it with anyone. He got the whole thing to himself.

Big deal.

I bought my neighbor, Rick, a six-pack of beer. We had a gas leak because the idiots who hooked up the new stove had their heads up their asses. Rick works for the gas company and came to the rescue and fixed the problem at no charge.

Big deal.

I wrote a couple of blog posts that only a very few people (and by few, I mean few) will ever read or care about.

Big deal.

I talked to my son Sam on the phone. He's at college and is stressed as fuck under the extreme weight of the intense course load he's carrying. He unloaded, I listened. I tossed in a little inappropriate humor and juicy gossip, and by the end of our conversation Sam was laughing -- like really hard snort-laughs. And he asked me to send him some homemade oatmeal cookies. I'll do that today.

Big deal.

I told you it was all small stuff.

But I can honestly say that I did all of those small things because I felt great love, or gratitude, or some other really good feeling, for each and every one of the people I did them for.

When it's all said and done and my life is up in smoke, I don't give a fiddler's fuck if anyone remembers a single thing I said or did.

What I do hope they remember, though, is how I made them feel.

And I hope I made them feel a little loved.

That'd be a really big deal.

Belonging Together

"It was quite a beautiful thing, the way we simply just came to be,

with no effort or trying and slowly we found each other's hands in the dark."

-- Charlotte Eriksson

Mushrooms  10-16-14

"... you're not lonely and isolated from anyone.

You belong."

-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Mushrooms  10-16-14

Mushrooms 10-16-14

 "Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map.

It was wherever the people 

who loved you were,

whenever you were together.

Not a place, but a moment, 

and then another,

building on each other like bricks

to create a solid shelter

that you take with you

for your entire life,

wherever you may go."

-- Sarah Dessen, 

What Happened to Goodbye

Big Sisters

"An older sister is a friend and defender --

a listener, conspirator, a counsellor and a sharer of delights.

And sorrows, too."

-- Pam Brown

Me (left) and my big sister, Alicen  9-6-14

"Between sisters, often, the child's cry never dies down.

'Never leave me,' it says; 'do not abandon me.'"

-- Louise Berkinow

My big sister, Alicen, came for a visit yesterday to watch Leo's football game.

She always blows in like a force of nature -- a whirling, swirling dervish of energy and opinion and devotion and non-stop chatter.

Alicen has been there my entire life -- through the good things, the ho-hum things, and the really, really shitty things.

She is the most loyal person I know.

She always shows up.

She always makes me laugh.

And she always loves me.

Of all her remarkable qualities, that last one is the best thing about my big sister. 

If she loves you, you'll know it, because she never, ever, ever lets you forget it.

Being A Mom

"Whatever life brings, we'll share," she says,

"and I can do no more than the best I can."

-- Carol Emshwiller, Carmen Dog

Mother and child 8-31-14

"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had,

and dealing with fears you didn't know existed."

-- Linda Wooten

Life is plenty challenging already, and as my boys press their way into manhood they'll have to strive and try and work hard to impress others, and win the affections and approval and acceptance of others.

Fuck the others.

I'm their mother.

I give them that shit for free.

My own two boys would probably be the first to say that when it comes to mothering, I'm no kind of nurturer.

I'm not the soft, homey, touchy-feely tender type.

They'd probably say that sometimes I get it right.

They'd definitely say that sometimes I totally fuck it up.

No matter what they say, I just hope that in my care, such as it is, they'll always feel loved enough, and safe enough and important enough.

Mostly, I just hope they'll always feel that they simply are "enough."

Holding Hands

"So we stood hand in hand like two children,

and there was peace in our hearts for 

all the dark things that surrounded us."

-- Arthur Conan Doyle,

Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels and Stories, Vol.1

Holding hands 7-27-14

"Have you ever really held the hand of someone you love?

Not just in passing, a loose link between you -- but truly clasped,

with the pulses of your wrists beating together and your fingers mapping

the knuckles and nails like a cartographer learning a country by heart?"

-- Jodi Picoult, Salem Falls

"I wanna hold your hand."

-- The Beatles, "I Want To Hold Your Hand"

A Good Home

"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave,

and grow old wanting to get back to."

-- John Ed Pearce

Old chopper looking for a good home 6-30-14

"The ache for home lives in all of us,

the safe place where we can go as we are

and not be questioned."

-- Maya Angelou

Sometimes I feel so worn out, rusted, old, damaged, ripped, torn, useless and unattractive that I think I must be unlovable, un-wantable.

And then I come home.

I have a good home.

There are people here who love me, in spite of all my wear and tear, in spite of all my damage, in spite of all my flaws.

When I can't see any good reason why anyone would want to keep me around, the patient, tender, kind -- did I already mention patient? -- people in my home somehow do. 

It's a good thing.

Without them and their love, I don't know where I'd be. 

Downy

"Even so, there were times I saw freshness and beauty."

-- Haruki Murakami, Dance, Dance, Dance

Downy 5-5-14

"There is a gentleness

that washes through this valley..."

-- Kate Mullane Robertson

"The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others."

-- Brennan Manning

If you want to let someone know you love them -- and the someone can absolutely be yourself -- tell them by adding a little Downy to the wash.

The slogan says Downy smells "April Fresh," but I think this sky-blue potion is the fragrance of love.

My son Sam is coming home from college later this week, so I'll be washing his sheets and blankets in Downy so that his bed feels soft and smells fresh. It's a little thing, but it matters to me that when he finally sinks into his own bed in his own room after months on a plastic-covered dorm mattress, it'll be soft and cozy and fragrant and gentle and welcoming.

It's a little thing.

It's a simple thing.

It's an ordinary thing.

But it's a good thing. 

Downy.

Use it because you care.

Life is already rough enough. Your sheets shouldn't be.

P.S. Just for fun, here's the super sexist  Original Downy commercial from back in the '60s. Check out the freakishly big baby!

Just The Two Of Us

"We didn't talk about anything heavy or light. 

We were just there together. 

And that was enough."

-- Steven Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower

u and i,  4-29-14

"We go together,

Like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong

Remembered forever

As shoobop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom

Chang chang changitty chang shoobop

That's the way it should be, wha ooohhhh, yeah."

-- "We Go Together," Grease

My husband and I went on a movie date last night. 

Just the two of us.

We were eating dinner, just the two of us, and he said he didn't bring home a movie rental.

The baseball game wasn't coming on until later.

Leo was out for the evening.

So I was like, "We could go out to a movie."

So that's what we did. We went to the movies.

Just the two of us.

The movie itself was "eh."

But being there together felt like old times, back when we did stuff together just because we could, for the simple reason that we had each other to do stuff with. 

I mean, we watch movies all the time. And we do stuff together, but lots of times we have one or both of our kids along with us, or sometimes friends.

But this time it was just us two. 

Two is good.

Coffee With Sam

"Black as the devil, 

hot as hell,

pure as an angel,

sweet as love."

-- Charles Maurice de Tallyrand 

(speaking of the perfect cup of coffee)

Self portrait with Sam at Starbucks 3-2-14
(aka "triple decaf espresso with a venti non-fat 4-pump caramel latte")

"Picking our go-to Starbucks drink has become a new American rite of passage,

and whether you're a grande hazelnut macchiato or an iced venti soy pumpkin spice latte,

your drink has become part of your personality, a product of dozens of cardboard cups'

worth of searching for the coffee you salivate for, Pavlov's dog-style,

whenever you smell fresh ground beans."

-- "What Does Your Starbucks Order Say About You?", Huffington Post

My son Sam buzzed home for a quick visit this weekend.

Whenever he does that, he likes to go grab a quick coffee together at Starbucks.

So I put on a pair of wraparound shades to hide my Quasimodo eye, and we went.

We talked. We drank coffee.

It was good.

Loving Myself

"Self-love, my liege, 

is not so vile a sin, 

as self neglecting."

-- William Shakespeare, Henry V

Coffee for one, 2-14-14

 "Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it.

Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it."

-- Thaddeus Golas

"You yourself, 

as much as anybody in the entire universe, 

deserve your love and affection."

-- Buddha

On Valentine's Day a year ago I was a hot mess. I definitely wasn't feeling the love. At all.

It was more like I was feeling the loathe.

And nothing greases the wheels of good old self-loathing like a day that revolves around romance and happiness and giddiness and L-O-V-E. When you're in that loathing state of mind, somehow rubbing salt in the wound feels good. It's fucked, I know, but when you're in the midst of it you can't help it. You just grind it in there, the coarser the better.

We all know that today's the day when we're supposed to tell our loved ones that we love them. So don't fuck it up.

But let me just put in a "One Good Thing" plug for someone who who is really hoping to get a Valentine from you today. 

You.

When it comes to love, I'm not the super affectionate, romantic, gushy, demonstrative type. Ask my family. They'll back me up a hundred percent on this one.  I can do it. But it doesn't come naturally or easily for me. I have to try. I have to work at it. I have to focus, hard.

But as much as I have to work at giving other people my love and affection, giving it to myself is an even taller order.

I'm getting better. But it takes practice.

I don't know what you loving you looks like. As for me loving me, the short list looks something like this:

Take my pills.

Protect my sleep.

Exercise.

Talk to my counselor.

Be honest with myself.

Do my art.

Drink decaf.

Feel my feelings.

Don't beat myself up.

Read.

Cook.

Get massages.

Look for the good.

In my experience, there's no lonelier feeling than self-abandonment. While I was hating myself, even though other people were loving me, their love couldn't register. I couldn't feel their love, or receive their love, because I was hiding behind a pretty thick, self-made force field that made me immune to their love, so it just kind of ricocheted off, bounced back and whacked them smack in the heart, which hurt them. I didn't mean to hurt them, or want to hurt them. I just couldn't help it.

But today I can.

It has taken a long time, and it has been excruciatingly hard and sometimes it just plain fucking sucked. Sometimes I still can't believe I made it and in a million years I never thought I'd say this but here goes ...

Gulp.

I love me.

XOXOXO

Seahorses In Love

" ... I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity."

-- John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Seahorse pair, Greater Cleveland Aquarium, 2-10-14

"How joyful to be together, alone

as when we first were joined

in our little house by the river

long ago ..."

-- Wendell Berry, Entries

Ding! Ding! Ding!

With Valentine's Day just up the road, things are getting a li'l bit romancy here at One Good Thing.

So this is your reminder to get/do something nice for your wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, crush, obsession, lover, dominatrix, dog, cat, fish ... whoever rings your bell.

We braved the snowy roads and drove to the Greater Cleveland Aquarium yesterday. It took us an extra 45 minutes to get there because of the crummy weather. We got stuck in a traffic jam because of an accident. The Cleveland roads were shitty as usual, riddled with giant potholes that wreaked havoc on our suspension, and spines. But it was totally worth the trip.

Leo wanted to see the sharks.

I wanted to see the seahorses.

Of all the underwater life, seahorses captivate me most. And romance was definitely in the air (or in the water of the seahorse tank anyway), because they were wrapped up in couples like teenagers at a high school dance.

Everyone knows that male seahorses birth the babies.

But did you know that seahorses mate in monogamous pairs, for life?

And did you know that once they meet that special someone, they wrap their tails around each other so that the tide doesn't pull them apart? It's the seahorse equivalent of trading wedding rings. And once they're all wrapped up in each other -- literally -- they venture from their meeting spot to float across the ocean bottom with their tails entwined.

Mostly it's romantic and lovely. But it's also a little bit comical. Because linked seahorses don't always travel in beautiful unison, gliding like synchronized ice dancers. Often, the dance is super awkward and clunky.

As I watched this pair, every once in a while the bigger one (I don't know if it was the boy or the girl) decided to move to another piece of sea grass. And when it moved, it sort of dragged the little one behind like a tin can tied to the back bumper of a wedding limo. The little one got flipped around and turned upside down as the big one yanked it wherever it went. There's probably a ball-and-chain joke to be made here, I know.

Anyway, it kind of took the mystique out of things, which, in a way, felt realer.

Lifelong togetherness isn't all romance. It's a tug and a pull. Like a 3-legged race. Sometimes you're in sync, and sometimes you just aren't, and things can get awkward and weird and, yes, ridiculous.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't still get/do something nice for each other on Valentine's Day. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. Just make it one good thing that lets him/her know you remembered, and that you do remember, even if it's been a while since things felt mystical or romantic.

Just don't fucking forget.

This guy fucking forgot.

Not seahorses, Greater Cleveland Aquarium 2-10-14