Loving Myself

"Self-love, my liege, 

is not so vile a sin, 

as self neglecting."

-- William Shakespeare, Henry V

Coffee for one, 2-14-14

 "Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it.

Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it."

-- Thaddeus Golas

"You yourself, 

as much as anybody in the entire universe, 

deserve your love and affection."

-- Buddha

On Valentine's Day a year ago I was a hot mess. I definitely wasn't feeling the love. At all.

It was more like I was feeling the loathe.

And nothing greases the wheels of good old self-loathing like a day that revolves around romance and happiness and giddiness and L-O-V-E. When you're in that loathing state of mind, somehow rubbing salt in the wound feels good. It's fucked, I know, but when you're in the midst of it you can't help it. You just grind it in there, the coarser the better.

We all know that today's the day when we're supposed to tell our loved ones that we love them. So don't fuck it up.

But let me just put in a "One Good Thing" plug for someone who who is really hoping to get a Valentine from you today. 

You.

When it comes to love, I'm not the super affectionate, romantic, gushy, demonstrative type. Ask my family. They'll back me up a hundred percent on this one.  I can do it. But it doesn't come naturally or easily for me. I have to try. I have to work at it. I have to focus, hard.

But as much as I have to work at giving other people my love and affection, giving it to myself is an even taller order.

I'm getting better. But it takes practice.

I don't know what you loving you looks like. As for me loving me, the short list looks something like this:

Take my pills.

Protect my sleep.

Exercise.

Talk to my counselor.

Be honest with myself.

Do my art.

Drink decaf.

Feel my feelings.

Don't beat myself up.

Read.

Cook.

Get massages.

Look for the good.

In my experience, there's no lonelier feeling than self-abandonment. While I was hating myself, even though other people were loving me, their love couldn't register. I couldn't feel their love, or receive their love, because I was hiding behind a pretty thick, self-made force field that made me immune to their love, so it just kind of ricocheted off, bounced back and whacked them smack in the heart, which hurt them. I didn't mean to hurt them, or want to hurt them. I just couldn't help it.

But today I can.

It has taken a long time, and it has been excruciatingly hard and sometimes it just plain fucking sucked. Sometimes I still can't believe I made it and in a million years I never thought I'd say this but here goes ...

Gulp.

I love me.

XOXOXO

Seahorses In Love

" ... I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity."

-- John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Seahorse pair, Greater Cleveland Aquarium, 2-10-14

"How joyful to be together, alone

as when we first were joined

in our little house by the river

long ago ..."

-- Wendell Berry, Entries

Ding! Ding! Ding!

With Valentine's Day just up the road, things are getting a li'l bit romancy here at One Good Thing.

So this is your reminder to get/do something nice for your wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, crush, obsession, lover, dominatrix, dog, cat, fish ... whoever rings your bell.

We braved the snowy roads and drove to the Greater Cleveland Aquarium yesterday. It took us an extra 45 minutes to get there because of the crummy weather. We got stuck in a traffic jam because of an accident. The Cleveland roads were shitty as usual, riddled with giant potholes that wreaked havoc on our suspension, and spines. But it was totally worth the trip.

Leo wanted to see the sharks.

I wanted to see the seahorses.

Of all the underwater life, seahorses captivate me most. And romance was definitely in the air (or in the water of the seahorse tank anyway), because they were wrapped up in couples like teenagers at a high school dance.

Everyone knows that male seahorses birth the babies.

But did you know that seahorses mate in monogamous pairs, for life?

And did you know that once they meet that special someone, they wrap their tails around each other so that the tide doesn't pull them apart? It's the seahorse equivalent of trading wedding rings. And once they're all wrapped up in each other -- literally -- they venture from their meeting spot to float across the ocean bottom with their tails entwined.

Mostly it's romantic and lovely. But it's also a little bit comical. Because linked seahorses don't always travel in beautiful unison, gliding like synchronized ice dancers. Often, the dance is super awkward and clunky.

As I watched this pair, every once in a while the bigger one (I don't know if it was the boy or the girl) decided to move to another piece of sea grass. And when it moved, it sort of dragged the little one behind like a tin can tied to the back bumper of a wedding limo. The little one got flipped around and turned upside down as the big one yanked it wherever it went. There's probably a ball-and-chain joke to be made here, I know.

Anyway, it kind of took the mystique out of things, which, in a way, felt realer.

Lifelong togetherness isn't all romance. It's a tug and a pull. Like a 3-legged race. Sometimes you're in sync, and sometimes you just aren't, and things can get awkward and weird and, yes, ridiculous.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't still get/do something nice for each other on Valentine's Day. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. Just make it one good thing that lets him/her know you remembered, and that you do remember, even if it's been a while since things felt mystical or romantic.

Just don't fucking forget.

This guy fucking forgot.

Not seahorses, Greater Cleveland Aquarium 2-10-14