"The laziest man I ever met
put popcorn in his pancakes
so they would turn over by themselves."
-- W.C. Fields
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| Popcorn with Parmesan, rosemary and black pepper 6-24-14 |
"If you put butter and salt on it,
it tastes like salty butter."
-- Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures
"Fresh popcorn is near impossible to resist,
second only to fresh doughnuts."
--Shannon Wiersbitzky, What Flowers Remember
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Here are the One Good Thing Most Important Things You Need To Know About Making Good Popcorn:
Microwave popcorn is caca.
You should stop eating it.
It's expensive and it's nasty and it's got all kinds of yucky stuff in it that you don't want in your body, and it will set off the smoke alarm in your dorm and cause the whole building to have to go outside in the cold in their boxers at 2 a.m. to wait until the fire trucks come. It's not worth it, trust me.
Homemade popcorn is delicious.
You should eat a lot of it.
It's cheap and easy and it's full of healthy stuff that your body will love and thank you for.
'Round these parts, I am the chief popcorn popper.
I make really, really good popcorn.
It's not bragging if it's true.
The boys and me eat so much popcorn that we get it in 50 lb. bags. And it isn't just any old popcorn. This stuff is the super fluffy, super tender "Creme Puff" variety grown by the Schlessman Seed Company, right here in my very own town in fields that I bicycle past every day.
Wanna know some of my secrets? I'll share, but be forewarned, popcorn this good may spoil you for eating popcorn any other way. We actually wait for movies to drop on DVD just so we can watch them at home because the popcorn here is so much better.
Anyway, here you go:
1. Pop it on the stove, not in an electric popper, in your biggest heavy metal stock pot. The reason Jiffy Pop always burns is because the pan is made of fucking tin foil. Tin foil is shit for popping popcorn because it's not a good heat conductor. Heavy. Metal.
2. Use good healthy oil. I use canola. I also like coconut oil, but the boys don't like the taste. Pour in enough oil to just cover the bottom of the pot.
3. Use medium high heat. My burners go up to 10, and I set the heat at just a tad under the 8 mark.
4. Heat the oil for a couple of minutes first.
5. Use good fresh corn. If you don't remember when you bought the popcorn kernels hiding in the way, way back of your pantry, buy new. Old corn will not pop right.
5. Pour in the popcorn. Don't overcrowd the kernels. Pour in enough to cover the bottom of the pan in a single layer. Too much corn will just result in a bunch of unpopped "Old Maids."
6. Put on the lid.
7. Leave it alone! Contrary to popular lore perpetuated by Jiffy Pop, you do not have to shake the fucking pan.
8. Don't walk away. When the corn starts popping, it should be fast and furious. This part goes quick, so pay attention.
9. When the popping slows to 1 pop every second or so, quickly get the pan off the heat and pour it into a large bowl with enough room to toss it around once you add your toppings. We use a huge silver bowl that we call "The Superbowl."
10. Salt the popcorn while it's still hot.
11. Add toppings of your choice. We usually just use salt. If you used good oil, the corn shouldn't need added butter, but use whatever you like. When I'm feeling sophisticated and grown up, I like to shave fresh Parmesan cheese on mine, and then sprinkle it with fresh ground pepper and rosemary. When I'm feeling like a child, I mix in candy corn. It tastes exactly like a PayDay candy bar, I swear. Or a handful of m&ms. They get all warm and melty.
So there you have it.
Life is too short to eat mediocre popcorn.
Go good, or go home.
Better yet, go good and stay home.
