Homies For The Holidays

"And thank you for a house 

full of people I love.

Amen."

-- Terri Guillemets

Gingerbread family 12-25-14

The best thing about Christmas is waking up in my own house, with my own little family.

Yesterday we traveled to Michigan for the big fat family shindig with my mother and my sisters and their families and all the kids and all the dogs and all the food and all the noise and the mediocre coffee and watching A Christmas Story for the umpteenth time followed by the late-night drive home in sketchy winter weather and being up until two wrapping presents.

Sigh.

It's always fun. But it's also exhausting.

This morning it's just us. The four of us.

It's quiet.

It's calm.

There's no stress.

There's no Christmas music.

Nobody is pestering me about when we can open presents.

Nobody is complaining that the food isn't organic.

There's no barking.

The coffee here is the best around.

I have to thank my mother particularly for being a generous, understanding, unselfish soul who makes it a priority to let her daughters spend Christmas Day in our own homes if we choose to. And even though Christmas Day is also her birthday, my Mom doesn't hassle us or give us any shit about not being there because she understands the importance of making our own family traditions and memories. She intentionally plans her Christmas get-together on a day that isn't Christmas Day.

It's the best gift she could possibly give us.

So, in the spirit of the holidays, I wish you a Happy-Whatever-Doesn't-Offend-You.

I hope you are spending it with people you love.

And I hope it is filled with lots of good things.

Treating Santa To What He REALLY Wants

"When adding liquor to your baking, 

start with a little and work up to your taste level."

-- Jessica Walker, 

"Baking With Booze," BettyCrocker.com

Cookies and bourbon for Santa 12-24-14

"Brown sugar and caramel flavors?

I'm talking about the bourbon of course."

-- Justin Abarca, "12 Whiskey and Food Pairings 

You Need to Know About," BuzzFeed.com

"... and a cup for Mommy so she

won't have to drink straight from her wine box."

-- Unknown

Fuck milk and cookies.

In my house, Santa gets a big boy beverage on Christmas Eve.

Whiskey. Bourbon. Scotch. Whatever he's in the mood for.

Definitely not milk. He's lactose intolerant. I don't want to make him feel gassy and bloated.

Maybe I'll mix him a Manhattan. I have it on pretty certain authority that he likes a good Manhattan, and I make a pretty good Manhattan.

I always make sure to leave him something good so that he knows how much I really love him.

XOXOXO

A Good Luck Sign

"Finding a bird's nest tucked among the branches 

of the Christmas tree is one of the luckiest traditions of Christmas, 

for it predicts good fortune through the coming year."

-- Linda E. Allen, "Nestled in the Christmas Tree"

The bird nest in my Christmas tree 12-22-15

"Oh, Grossmutter, see! St. Nicholas hung 

a little bird's nest for me on the Christmas tree!"

"So he did, so he did, Gretel," said the old woodcutter 

as he took the nest down and put it in Gretel's hands.

-- Carolyn Sherwin Bailey, 

"The Child Abroad," Stories and Rhymes For A Child

"I have last year's nest on my windowsill ... 

and will put this year's next to it as a reminder 

of what it is to receive life's little gifts, especially at Christmas time. 

I like to believe that nature showers love on the people wanting to receive it."

--Laura Munson, 

"A Nest In The Hand," huffingtonpost.com

At our house, the Christmas tree is a guy thing.

The hunt it.

They kill it.

The decorate it.

It's their territory. Their tradition.

I don't touch it.

It's been that way since the boys were little, but big enough to hang ornaments. I just step aside and let them do it the way they want to.

I think my hands-off approach stems from my own bad childhood Christmas tree memories.

My parents had some pretty bitter arguments over the tree. I remember the whole process felt very stressful and made me extremely anxious.

My sisters and I would go along with Dad to the tree lot or wherever, take time picking out what we thought was a really great tree, and then bring it home for Mom's approval. Then we'd listen to a stream of criticism over his poor choice. It was too tall. Too short. The stem wasn't straight. There was a bare spot. Blah, blah, blah.

She'd bite.

He'd bite back.

I'd cower somewhere safe from the flying accusations and insults.

Needless to say, their arguing kind of sucked the magic out of it for me.

And I think that's why now, as a grownup with kids and a husband of my own, I do nothing but praise the efforts of my Christmas tree hunting/gathering/decorating team. They do a good job. I just sit back and enjoy it.

Because the guys always cut a real tree from out in the wild, every once in a while they bring home one with a bird nest hidden inside.

There's some Icelandic or German tradition that says finding a bird nest in your Christmas tree is a symbol of good health and fortune for the coming year.

They found one in this year's tree while they were trimming back the branches and stringing on the lights.  It's a tiny little nest -- delicate and wispy -- no bigger than a small child's fist.

I don't know if the bird nest in Christmas tree legend is true or not, but I like to think it is.

A little good luck is always a good thing.

Plus, how in the world can you argue over a Christmas tree that comes with a gift already inside?

Getting The Shopping Monster Off My Back

"... he would create a special level of hell,

an enormous inescapable shop of 

attractive but useless and overpriced items 

that the damned would wander for eternity

in the cold delusion that this was what they wanted."

-- Heide Goody, Clovenhoof

Pop-up monster toy in a Santa hat 12-21-14

"Pleasantly bustling shoppers streamed past us on Bond Street --

smart-suited men and well-heeled women whose

commitment to luxury goods glazed over their eyes

like a bad case of malaria."

-- Tyne O'Connell, Latest Accessory

"The thing to do," I said ...

"is to get absolutely everything in the summer and lock it in a cupboard.

Then order every scrap of food from a shop the week before Christmas

and sit back and enjoy watching everyone else go mad."

-- Miss Read, Village School

I bought my final Christmas gift yesterday.

Thank you Baby Jesus.

I do not particularly enjoy Christmas shopping, so it feels good to have the shopping monster off my back until it latches on again next year.

I do as little Christmas shopping as possible, and I'm very particular about who I buy for.

At this stage in my life, I will no longer let anyone pressure me into buying gifts for people I do not like -- you know, that forced Secret Santa crap or the fucking bullshit where you have to draw the name of a distant family member who you barely know, never see, and couldn't give two shits about.

Fuck that crap.

But I'm not a total Scrooge.

I don't mind getting gifts for people I love.

I try to give thoughtful things.

Unusual things.

Personal things.

Useful things.

Good things.

Cash (which falls under "useful.")

One of my favorite gifts this year is for our neighbor Vera. I got her a 1.75 liter bottle of Black Velvet whiskey. It's the big guy -- almost a half gallon -- in the plastic bottle. Vera is 86 and has a bum shoulder that makes it hard for her to lift heavy things. So I always buy her the plastic bottle because A.) it's lighter, and B.) if she drops it, there won't be any broken glass to contend with.

See what a good shopper I am?

Places That DON'T Play Christmas Music

"Put a cork in it, Zane!"

-- "Derek Zoolander", Zoolander

Santa teapot with a cork in it 12-19-14

The bigger-than-life-sized freaky Santa towering over the Buddha should have been my first clue.

Sam and I went to have lunch and do some shopping yesterday at an "upscale" shopping center.

We stopped for sushi at our favorite Asian restaurant. 

My unagi roll was delicious. But the constant drone of Christmas music being piped through the restaurant's sound system kind of sucked the zen right out of the dining experience.

The two of us had a seriously intense bitch session about why we detest the onslaught of Christmas music that saturates pretty much every environment this time of year.

It's exhausting, and frustrating, and annoying, and maddening, and everywhere. There's no escape.

Except, apparently, Abercrombie & Fitch.

Usually I can't wait to get out of A&F. I hate that store. The high volume, high intensity dance party music and overpowering cologne stench give me intense anxiety, and a contact buzz. But yesterday, instead of making me claustrophobic and anxious, the Christmas music-free zone felt felt like an oasis. An escape.

Albeit brief. Because when we stepped back out onto the street, there it was again, Christmas music permeating the atmosphere like tear gas.

If I hear Gloria Peevey singing "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas" one more time, Imma cut a bitch.

Here's the thing.

I know it's Christmas. I get it. Enough already.

I do not need a Christmas music drubbing everywhere I go to remind me.

You know what would be refreshing, and a real gift? Don't play Christmas music in your store, or restaurant, or business. How about giving your customers a little break for the holidays?

My massage therapist, for example, does NOT play ANY Christmas music in her establishment.

She understands that her clients come there to relax, to escape, and to step out of the world for an hour. Allowing Christmas music to intrude rudely on the sanctuary-like environment would be counterproductive, even damaging.

If you go someplace that isn't playing Christmas music, and you like it like that, be sure to acknowledge it and thank the management for having the balls to break ranks and follow their own path.

It's A Good Thing The McRib Wasn't Available

"Devotees have traveled to find stores offering it."

-- Maureen Morrison, 

"Can the McRib Save Christmas?" adage.com

Golden arches shining in the East 12-12-14

"The heavenly sign around the time of the birth of Jesus Christ

was likely an unusual alignment of planets, the sun and the moon."

-- Tom Coyne, 

"Why Did Wise Men Follow 'the Star in the East?'", nbcnews.com

"The fleeting nature of the sandwich

has generated a cult-like following."

-- "11 Amazing Facts About the McDonald's McRib," 

businessinsider.com

"Not everyone is ecstatic about the return of the McRib."

-- "11 Amazing Facts About the McDonald's McRib," 

businessinsider.com

So here's how my twisted mind works.

Yesterday I took my walk later than usual, so I was chasing the sunset to get home before dark.

As I walked the bicycle path that runs along some woods near my house, I could see the McDonald's sign gleaming like a beacon in the night sky in the far distance.

And I thought myself, "Geez. It sure is a good thing the McRib wasn't available back in the day, or who knows where those three wise men would have ended up. I think we all know who the real star of Bethlehem would have been."

Some things might stay the same.

Like, there'd still be flocks of people.

The lines would still be super long.

King Herod would still get all pissy, because he'd side with the animal rights people protesting the inhumane treatment of pigs or some shit.

Or he'd get pissy because the McDonald's location near his palace didn't have the McRib yet. So instead of sending the Wise Men to kill baby Jesus right away, he'd have sent them on a wild goose chase all over Judea to fetch him a McRib combo.

Parents of male children aged two and under would have to miss out on the limited time availability of the McRib, because taking Jr. to the PlayPlace would've been pretty risky. Obvs.

And there you have it.

It's sick and irreverent, I know. But sometimes I just can't help myself.

Kind of like people who love the McRib.

Amiright?

I'll stop now.

Jesus Mary & Joseph ... And Homer

"I do like Christmas on the whole ...

In its clumsy way, it does approach Peace and Goodwill.

But it is clumsier every year."

-- E.M. Forster

"A Christmas Story" leg lamp in a window 12-10-14

"The place changes: 

it's not the same as it is in daytime."

-- Haruki Murakami, After Dark

Inflatable Homer Simpson 12-10-14

"Christmas waves a magic wand
 over this world and behold,
everything is softer
and more beautiful."

-- Norman Vincent Peale

Christmas lights 12-10-14

I've been taking walks after dark in the evenings, checking out the neighborhood Christmas decorations.

Oy, veh.

The local Clark Griswolds are out in full force.

There are homages to movies, to television shows, to Disney, to Mr. Potato Head.

One house has an inflatable Noah's Ark with the two-by-two animals in matching Santa hats. Clearly they have their Bible stories a little criss-crossed. Or they're on an acid trip.

But hey. Whatever sells, right?

Light up Magi 12-10-14

Some displays are nice and tasteful, perfectly fine and understated.

There are a lot of light-up nativity scenes and plastic Jesuses.

There are lots of demonic Santa faces.

There's "the glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

Others?

Well.

Light up snowman 12-10-14

Although I do think I like the super tacky stuff the best.

I mean, nothing quite says "Welcome Baby Jesus" like a light up snowman with a digital "O O HO HO" flashing across his groin.

Anyway, since you can't literally go on a walk with me, I thought I'd give you a virtual tour and share a little bit of what I've been seeing.

So last night, just for you, I took my camera on my walk and creeped around on people's lawns in the dark.

Hey, I'm a giver.

What would Jesus do?

Enjoy!

Nativity figurines 12-10-14

Christmas lights 12-10-14

High For The Holidays?

"How do you think those reindeers fly so high?"

-- Unknown

Nursery sign 12-3-14

"... retailers have to do more than just sell pot to get public attention.

Pot shops are using old and new media to tout the sales."

-- Kristen Wyatt,

"Merry Marijuana:
Colorado Pot Sellers Woo Holiday Shoppers," 

Portland Press Herald

"Can you steer your sleigh all right?

Are you sure you're good to fly tonight?"

-- Breathe Carolina, "Mile High Christmas"

Stoned Santa 12-3-14

I'm sure it's just a workshop on how to decorate festive flower pots.

Or maybe it has something to do with making nice Christmas flower arrangements.

I don't know what you were thinking.

That's not even legal in Ohio.

Although, judging by some of the Christmas decorations popping up around town, people are clearly smoking something.

Lit up aliens 12-3-14

A Good Day For Hanging Christmas Lights

"In the right light, at the right time,

everything is extraordinary."

-- Aaron Rose

Bird nest with Christmas lights 11-24-14

"When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things -- 

not the great occasions -- give off the greatest glow of happiness."

-- Bob Hope

We had a little warm-up over the weekend, so we grabbed the opportunity to get some stuff done, including hanging the outside Christmas lights.

I'd like to say that we had an unusually early burst of Christmas spirit and goodwill, but truthfully, our motivation was more self-preservation than anything.

Hanging Christmas lights in the freezing cold is a bitch.

You can't hang those pesky little fuckers with gloves or mittens on. You have to go at it bare-handed. So if you get a warm enough day close-ish enough to Christmas, do it then and save your fingers from frostbite.

Quite honestly, it was a good day to do it. So we did it.

I must admit, though, our little house looks pretty fucking adorable. And it felt good to feel good about decorating a little bit. For the past couple of years I haven't given a rat's ass about Christmas, period. As for Christmas decorations -- Fuggedaboutit. 

Of course, our strands of lights were all tangled and not lighting up right. So we decided to start fresh. We even strayed away from the typical tiny white twinkle lights and went retro.

I rode my bike over to our local ACE Hardware and bought two strings of lights that remind me of the big old glass-bulb kind from my childhood.

Except, unlike the flesh-blistering glass bulbs of yore, these lights are plastic and cool to the touch and won't burn anyone's fingers. They also won't burn down the house.

They look pretty cool too. Looking at them outside makes me feel happy inside.