"An onion can make people cry,
but there has never been a vegetable invented
to make them laugh."
-- Will Rogers
 |
| Me and Onion at the ballpark 9-25-14 |
I went to my final Indians game of the 2014 season last night.
Thanks to me being their lucky charm and them always winning when I'm in the park, the Tribe beat the Royals 6 to 4.
You're welcome.
That was all well and good, but the really good part was that we got to the stadium good and early and had time to wander around before the game. As I was strolling down the concourse, who should I see coming my way?
Onion! My favorite stadium mascot.
 |
| Me and Mustard |
"Mustard" is yellow.
Duh, right? Mustard is supposed to be yellow.
Well not in Cleveland.
Every baseball fan in C-Town knows that real stadium mustard is brown. Therefore, any self-respecting hot dog costume representing the Tribe in a Cleveland ball park should be embarrassed to wear a weak yellow squiggle on its chest.
Any real Cleveland stadium hot dog costume should look like it's slathered in runny brown baby shit.
Until that happens, I just can't get behind Mustard. On principle. I just can't.
 |
| Me and Ketchup |
As for "Ketchup."
I reject Ketchup on so many levels. But mostly because ketchup is just so fucking obvious.
Ketchup is the child's choice.
Plus, everyone knows that even salsa has passed ketchup as America's favorite condiment. So this hot dog shouldn't even be in the race anymore. He's a little passe.
Sure, the hipster glasses are sorta cute. But are they enough? I think not.
Maybe if Ketchup's wardrobe handlers spiced up his costume a little bit with some chunks of jalapeno, cilantro and onion, then maybe I could get behind him.
As is? Kinda lame.
But Onion?
Oh, Onion! Why do I love Onion? Let me count the ways:
A: She's the only girl. So, points.
B: She clearly has the best wardrobe. Jesus. That chopped onion bustier alone. Points. Plus the Chief Wahoo mini. More points. Her onion curls? Points again.
The other hot dogs don't even have pants. Which, ew. No pants, no points.
C: She knows how to accessorize. Earrings and a hot pink purse? Points. Points. The other guys have ball caps, but who the fuck doesn't have a ball cap at the ball game? That's not even trying.
And not to beat a dead horse, but Mustard's hat is yellow. Yellow isn't even an Indians team color. At. All.
D: Her Amy Winehouse mascara and Nicole Kidman lips. Who but Onion could make those two things work flawlessly on one face? Points.
Sadly, Onion didn't cross the finish line first in last night's hot dog derby. I guess she was running on fumes.
Which is another reason Onion is the best mascot.
Because despite last night's win, the Tribe's post-season hopes are running on fumes as well.
But hope on fumes is better than no hope at all.
Just ask Onion.
*photo credits go to my husband for being super awesome and taking me out to the ballpark!
